We find ourselves living amidst this tech-reliant world, where convenience and speed are at the forefront of everything. Humans have scaled the heights of creating machinery and high-tech to provide a lifestyle that has made people depend on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge admirer of design and technology but as everything else, it all has its place, time and sensibility of usage.
I’ll go through 1. Current observations, 2. Relate them to Tantra and where the blockages are and also offer a solution.
Relationships and fast food dating
Gone are those days where people interacted with each other in person or acknowledged their presence as they passed them in the street. Now when driving, we have to look out for the hunchbacked person crossing staring down at their phone like a horse wearing blinkers to keep them from being distracted or spooked!
The way we find a potential partner has dramatically changed and has mainly become an online option of pick and choosing as you see fit. Here’s a few observations of mines.
- Convenience drives our motivation: It doesn’t take much to know how convenient it is to browse hundreds of profiles, send them winks, likes, messages and not expect to receive an answer. Some play a numbers game of sending 10 messages a day and see if one bites, it turns into a type of game, others may love using apps like Tinder and just browsing to see what’s out there, compare their options and choose the right one for a one-night or who knows where it may lead? There are so many options available online now to those looking for love with very little effort to make.
- A wide range of options to choose from: As we all know, there are hundreds of sites and apps available for those seeking a range of things from a potential partner to a quick hook-up. One can be selective and choose from endless lists and filters. It’s all operating from the lower chakras on making choices on a superficial level.
- No need for a personal interaction: Society is slowly moving away from face to face interaction, from supermarkets with self-checkouts, restaurants with order via app, drive-thrus, social media and the lack of socialising have created a range of situations. There is no need to pucker up the courage to approach someone and introduce yourself, which uses a wide range of social skills and creativity. All you have to do is at times just use an emoji, gestures or sending a quick message.
- Used one? No doubt the others are the same!
So what does this do to our internal systems and where do blockages occur?
The recurring pattern of “meet + fall in love + bored + find another partner = keep the problem” is a common theme with many. I come across this situation with many people who come to seek healing from me. This is a classic case of reacting from the Muladhara and Swadhisthana Chakras which are centres of emotion, pleasure seeking and if not sublimed can cause a range of energetic imbalances. We all know what can happen when people start thinking from there and act like they wouldn’t if they were using their intellect.
Blockages can occur in a range of places which manifest in mental, emotional, physical or psychosomatic ways. Some people may suffer from a lack of satisfaction with their partners which might result in partner hopping, cheating and just feeling turned on all the time because their energy has not been sublimed because they feel their needs are not met.
Where do these needs / expectations come from?
This is a really big topic in itself. I have previously mentioned that the media, porn, social issues, sex education, bullying, peer pressure, instant gratification are a few to name that create these fantasies or expectations. We’ve all seen cases where someone has just had a dream wedding and file for a divorce soon after, why is this? It’s usually because most of the ideals are materialistic, finance dependent, lack of thinking from the higher chakras, reacting instantly which are all linked to build expectations. Let these go, meditate on the heart chakra, do asanas for the heart chakra to help bring a harmonious balance and become more giving and understanding.
Phenethylamine (PEA) – the magic high! Honeymoon phase feeling.
Do you remember the first stages of your relationship where everything was dreamy, warm, full of excitement and just sheer bliss?
According to a team of scientists led by Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers, romantic love can be broken down into three categories: lust, attraction, and attachment. Each category is characterized by its own set of hormones stemming from the brain.
Love can be distilled into three categories: lust, attraction, and attachment. Though there are overlaps and subtleties to each, each type is characterized by its own set of hormones. Testosterone and estrogen drive lust; dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin create attraction; and oxytocin and vasopressin mediate attachment.
That dear reader is a release of dopamine triggered by the organic compound called Phenethylamine which is designed to make us mate. This is a natural endorphin that gets released similar to when you exercise or have really strong attraction feelings. There have been a range of studies and experiments carried out and it’s always good to bring in science and material for you to read up on so you know what I’m talking about. Reviews suggest that phenethylamine plays a prominent role in mediating the mood-enhancing euphoric effects of a runner’s high, as both phenethylamine and amphetamine are potent euphoriants. Many people are chasing this high and when they feel that this phase in a relationship is over, they move to the next one, see where I’m going with this? How can you keep this constant high of loving? Like all things in life, this takes work! Are you ready to put in that work? All Tantric teachings and spiritual teachings show ways to achieve true happiness which does not depend on the release of endorphins and other factors to feel this. All about getting the correct balance of polarity of energy. This diagram shows the journey of how this all works, quite interesting!
The testes and ovaries secrete the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, driving sexual desire. B and C: Dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin are all made in the hypothalamus, a region of the brain that controls many vital functions as well as emotion. D: Several of the regions of the brain that affect love. Lust and attraction shut off the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which includes rational behavior.
Dopamine, produced by the hypothalamus, is a particularly well-publicized player in the brain’s reward pathway – it’s released when we do things that feel good to us. In this case, these things include spending time with loved ones and having sex. High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction. These chemicals make us giddy, energetic, and euphoric, even leading to decreased appetite and insomnia – which means you actually can be so “in love” that you can’t eat and can’t sleep.
Cultivating and expressing love
Yogis depict the heart as the seat of human feeling—the seat of the Self. Krishna himself says:
अहमात्मा गुडाकेश सर्वभूताशयस्थित: |
अहमादिश्च मध्यं च भूतानामन्त एव च || 20||
aham ātmā guḍākeśha sarva-bhūtāśhaya-sthitaḥ
aham ādiśh cha madhyaṁ cha bhūtānām anta eva cha
I am the Self, O Gudakesa, seated in the hearts of all creatures. I am the beginning, the middle and the end of all beings. (10:20)
aham—I; ātmā—soul; guḍākeśha—Arjun, the conqueror of sleep; sarva-bhūta—of all living entities; āśhaya-sthitaḥ—seated in the heart; aham—I; ādiḥ—the beginning; cha—and; madhyam—middle; cha—and; bhūtānām—of all beings; antaḥ—end; eva—even; cha—also
PURPORT taken from Bhagvat Geeta As it is
In this verse Arjuna is addressed as Gudakesa, which means one who has conquered the darkness of sleep. For those who are sleeping in the darkness of ignorance, it is not possible to understand how the Supreme Godhead manifests Himself in the material and spiritual worlds. Thus this address by Krsna to Arjuna is significant. Because Arjuna is above such darkness, the Personality of Godhead agrees to describe His various opulences.
Krsna first informs Arjuna that He is the Self or soul of the entire cosmic manifestation by dint of His primary expansion. Before the material creation, the Supreme Lord, by His plenary expansion, accepts the Purusa incarnations, and from Him everything begins. Therefore He is atma, the soul of the mahat-tattva, the universal elements. The total material energy is not the cause of the creation, but actually the Maha-Visnu enters into the mahat-tattva, the total material energy. He is the soul. When Maha-Visnu enters into the manifested universes, He again manifests Himself as the Supersoul in each and every entity. We have experience that the personal body of the living entity exists due to the presence of the spiritual spark. Without the existence of the spiritual spark, the body cannot develop. Similarly, the material manifestation cannot develop unless the Supreme Soul of Krsna enters.
The Supreme Personality of Godhead is existing as the Supersoul in all manifested universes. A description of the three purusa-avataras is given in Srimad-Bhagavatam. “The Supreme Personality of Godhead manifests three features, as Karanodakasayi Visnu, Garbhodakasayi Visnu and Ksirodakasayi Visnu, in this material manifestation.” The Supreme Lord Krsna, the cause of all causes, lies down in the cosmic ocean as Maha-Visnu or Karanodakasayi Visnu, and therefore Krsna is the beginning of this universe, the maintainer of the universal manifestation, and the end of all the energy.
So if the Divine is the beginning, middle and end of the universe and we are all made up of those same elements, we should try and see that same divinity within others. I spoke about this in one of my blogs about seeing the Divine within other people, the same point arises here again. It would be a natural feeling to express love to a person we deem as pure hearted as they are emitting strong vibrations from their anahata chakra, everyone has the same power within them, it’s up to us to recognise this and offer your respect to them.
Managing relationships in challenging environments
Long distance relationships
Many of us may have come across or know others in situations that have involved long distance relationships. Myself for one, has definitely experienced this in my journey to getting to know my partner leading to marriage.
The normal pattern found has been where one has to sacrifice and leave family, friends etc to move in with the other person who may be earning the most money. This can cause a range of emotional disturbances in the body and also the relationship as this would be the first time of actually living together with someone for a longer period of time that you are used to.
This can also diminish the feeling of looking forward to meeting their loved one like they used to before which could have a gap of a couple of weeks or so to seeing them everyday. Other emotions can be linked to financial situations, a sense of feeling inferior to the other who is earning more can create a variety of mental challenges to overcome for some people. Communication is key like in any relationship, so ensuring both partners are in sync and listening to each other on how to help each other heal and become stronger.
Dual career couples can open up another set of situations where they don’t have enough time for each other due to work. Spending time with loved ones is the MOST important factor of creating a strong bond and inner warmth of security, love, feeling wanted and much more. Please try and find ways of creating time in your busy schedules to spend with each other.
In relationships, when this chemistry is too high initially, this then can cause a few issues as the downtime causes a range of healing that will be required, I’m going to get something that I didn’t get from my parents, so looking to fulfil needs not met from elsewhere.
As a society we seem to be losing connection with everyone due to social media and when you do meet someone you haven’t seen in a while, they seem to know what’s going on with you anyway. We see this many times where families or groups of friends go out for dinner and the main pose we see is them on their phones or fiddling around with their devices. The simple act of conversation seems to be fading away, it’s never too late to pick things back up.
Dealing with conflict – Mirroring, validation and building empathy
Arguments escalate quickly these days due to not listening to each other. Those that are not ready to listen, please empathise and look at both sides of the story before reacting straight away, this then gets you thinking from the higher chakras and not an instant reaction.
Too much screaming and yelling are all causes of an imbalance in the lower chakras and most of all hurting the ego! That 3 letter word EGO has been the cause of so many conflicts from historical battles to arguments in the home. “There you go again, accusing me etc.”
There are ways of learning how to listen in a compassionate way. The phenomena of humans these days developing a ‘reptilian brain’ also commonly called an Alligator brain. This is a natural defence mechanism that reptiles have where you’re threatening me and I’m going to protect myself and I will defend myself are the core reflexes. So more defensive people have a range of situations that need healing. When people get defensive, it’s more than likely an insecurity.
Opposite of love isn’t hate but indifference
Have you said or heard someone say “I just don’t care anymore” – how can this be fixed? Kids tend to be in the middle of an adult separation and then there are many issues which come out of this. Divorce has become quite common now, which before used to be quite a shameful act and did not want others to know about it.
Definitions of what is loyal nowadays? Go see your females friends for lunch but not dinner, you can see this person but not alone. Insecurities grow further and deeper. You’ve not called me everyday, you’re not paying attention to me. Instead of lets get together and fix this – I’m thinking of having an affair, what can we do about this?! Eg – arguments about emptying the dishwasher – opens up a range of other issues in the relationship, oh you’re controlling etc. Someone feels they’re doing too much, LISTEN. The more stress, the more we regress.
It’s like the chimp and the turtle scenario where the chimp wants to talk, the turtle goes into their shell. This then makes the chimp frustrated, agitated, angry and will keep on knocking on that shell till it then gives up and walks away. Does this scenario sound like something you’ve experienced? We need to learn how to create safety so the turtle does not go back into their shell but creates an environment where they don’t feel the need to be defensive, they can be calm, relaxed and curious about the other person’s feelings. Feeling curious is such a simple yet powerful feeling that we tend to lose sometimes but it’s such a great feeling to be curious, it’s human nature to be that.
Also we should look at origins. We inherit and absorb what we see in the house from childhood. This manifests in us and carries through to our own kids too.
One person can’t possibly give you all your support as a couple. When couples try to fulfil the support network needs of family, friends, interests and more this can’t always be met which creates an imbalance on the mental and physical body and it’s tough for a spouse to be able to meet ALL your requirements. It then puts the children in a loyalty bind. We need TRIBE support. When a couple gets married, you don’t see your friends as much which is understandable but as time goes on and this still occurs, possessive natures of spouses can occur.
Both partners need to embrace and balance both their networks of friends. You have to have separateness, you have to have individual social groups, it’s the basis of a strong pillar of building relationships. You need good negotiation skills for both sides needs to be met.
Learn to appreciate and validate
People who fall for the same kind of person tend to have something which is deeply rooted. This could be their family which has affected self-esteem, confidence, way they have been brought up. When a child is growing up it’s been researched that there is a ratio of 5:1 of validating positives till the age of 7 at least. Kids want parents approval. The same applies to relationships too! Just ask yourself how many times you’ve appreciated your loved one during the day? If you’re wanting criticism, then make it by appointment only rather than spontaneous ones. This gives you time to think and reflect and a lot of the time that point gets dissolved as you’ve found it’s not as critical to discuss as you thought. Think, think, think from the mind and not emotion.
Are you sick n tired of being sick n tired – a lot of people anxious, busy lives cause these issues. How to be centred, how to calm yourself and how to practice this outside. Something to think through, and learning how to calm yourself so you act from the mind and not emotion. Mindfulness, focussing and helping.
Short term memory goes out the window when we are angry, the ability to problem solve, intellect. Reactivity gets you nowhere. There are a range of pranayamas (yogic breathing) techniques that you can practice to help bring a harmonious balance inside you. Meditation, yoga, exercise, reading, walking in nature, playing music, listening to classical music all can help to calm the nervous system. Aswell as all the above, experience the power of a Tantric massage and Tantric teachings. Read biographies of enlightened masters from all spiritual paths, they will all have many things in common for you to take on in your life. Take time out, put water on the fire – stop and restart, something that is calming and come back to talk. Remember the more we blame, the more polarised we get.
Till next time guys, love and light xox